Memo to Newsquest galley slaves

From a former colleague inside the evil empire

Over the next few weeks, we will be renovating reporters to make them fit for the 21st century. All reporters will have intravenous drips fitted so they do not have to have lunch breaks or any food breaks - of course, the food that will be fed directly into their stomachs will be cold. Brain surgery will remove all ambition and hope, and fingers will be surgically attached to key boards. Phones will be directly plugged into your ears and will automatically answer. Because of this massive investment in technology, pay will be reduced by 90% as all your food and living needs will be met. The remaining 10% of your pay will go towards your copy of the Oxford Mail. Holidays will involve being unplugged for one day at management discretion. Desks will be adapted into toilets and showers, as well as sleeping pods. The sleeping arrangements will be finalised after a two-months away-day in the Caribbean where senior staff will establish the best arrangements. I am sure you will all join me in celebrating this new exciting development.